CANINES FOR DEMOCRACY
by Elizabeth Sobieski & Peter Brav
Our fellow citizens who are pinning their hopes for democracy on Taylor and her Swifties might do well to spend more time energizing American dog lovers, the one group that just might be the difference maker.
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that as of 2021, there are 83.9 million households in the country, and Forbes Magazine reports that as of 2024, 65.1 million of them have at least one dog in the house. Rough mathematics suggests that of the 161.42 million people registered to vote in 2022, approximately 125 million of them have a dog in their lives to love and laugh with.
Almost all of our nation’s 46 presidents in office from George Washington on have been joined by a beloved pup in the White House. There is no better or more faithful companion for an understandably stressed president and household than the family canine.
Ronald Reagan had Rex; George H.W. Bush had Millie; Bill Clinton had Buddy; George W. Bush had Spotty, Barney and Miss Beazley; Barack Obama had Bo and Sunny; and Joe Biden his adoptees Champ, Major and Commander, even as the latter two proved hard on his security personnel.
Not so the guy who lost in 2020 but still thinks he won.
It’s not like he’s a bad dog owner, walking away cavalierly from excrement masses or enrolled in a dog-fighting club. The guy who lost in 2020 but still thinks he won has simply never had anything to do with dogs---other than disparaging them in so many interviews, tweets and pointed comments that we could not possibly list them all here.
He’s no dog’s best friend and he just might be dog’s worst enemy.
This should come as no surprise. This is a man who doesn’t read, who sees the world in black and white, who doesn’t want to learn or listen, who makes fun of physically handicapped reporters. A man who never seems to laugh because that would require approving and being entertained by someone or something other than himself. A man who never served in the military but claimed to know more than his heavily decorated generals and went out of his way to belittle captured war heroes.
A man who has spent no time around dogs opining constantly on the nature of dogs. Makes perfect sense. Or not.
Since even the smartest of the canines have not yet been trained how to vote and save the nation, it may be helpful to remind those 125 million dog-loving owners how that guy really feels about them. So here goes.
On Imminent Unemployment
“Good work by General Kelly for quickly firing that dog!” - 2018 on The Apprentice’s Omarosa Manigault after her tell-all Unhinged hit bookshelves
“Fired like a dog!" – 2013 on Bill Maher, 2015 on Glenn Beck, 2016 on Chuck Todd, 2016 on David Gregory, 2016 on Conservative pundit Erick Erickson
“Thrown off ABC like a dog." – 2015 on Conservative Republican columnist and pundit George Will
“Now Sloppy Steve has been dumped like a dog by almost everyone.” – 2018 on his sometime advisor Steve Bannon
According to Indeed’s Career Guide, the ten common traits of a good worker are dedication, confidence, reliability, teamwork, independence, leadership, communication, self-awareness, critical thinking, and integrity. Anyone who has spent any time with dogs knows how high the typical canine scores here.
And we’re not just talking about the police K-9 German Shepherd, seeing-eye Golden Retriever, anxiety-reducing King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, drug and bomb sniffing Labrador Retriever, military Belgian Malinois or sheep herding Border Collie.
Dogs get the job done, well and on time, with little reward other than love and cookies.
If that guy who lost had any understanding of how well dogs tick off the employer wish list, he would know hired like a dog is an infinitely more apt description.
Why so many of the 130 million full-time workers in this country support the guy who lost in 2020 and still thinks he won continues to mystify. Real wages adjusted for inflation have been largely stagnant for most folks since 1980 and inequality has soared. Millions live below the poverty line and millions more work multiple jobs, struggle with student loans and housing costs, save little for retirement, see less economic mobility, and endure lifetimes of job insecurity. They still get up and give it their best shot every morning.
If that guy who lost had any empathy for what most humans are going through, he’d know tired like a dog is an infinitely more apt description.
That guy who lost in 2020 arbitrarily condescends in the face of his own decidedly mixed results. Never has he admitted to losing money like a dog or going bankrupt like a dog. Not a single statement that students got no education out of his university like dogs or that bondholders got nothing but scraps out of a Chapter 11 reorganization like dogs or that he busted his casino, burned his steaks and grounded his shuttle airline like a dog.
On Less Than Clutch Performance
“Choked like a dog.” – 2016 on Mitt Romney losing to Barack Obama and 2017 on former Attorney General Sally Yates and Director of National Intelligence James Clapper during Senate testimony
Any of the millions of Americans who have participated in the popular growing sport of Dog Agility or watched American Kennel Club events on ESPN knows that dogs don’t choke. They brilliantly take instruction, ignore distractions and, much more often than not, live in the moment and make the moment theirs. Simply put, dogs perform under pressure. Their human handlers are another story. They panic, miss turns, forget routes, give wrong cues. Any dog lover knows he or she can only hope to measure up to his canine companion in the agility ring or anywhere else.
On Women’s Appearances
"A dog who wrongfully comments on me." - 2015 on Arianna Huffington
"I'm watching television and I see her barking like a dog." - 2016 on Hillary Clinton
“Only Rosie O’Donnell.” - 2016 response to Megyn Kelly’s query as to why he called women he didn’t like “dogs” and “disgusting animals”
So much has been said and written about middle school insults and names hurled over the years by the guy who lost that we need not get into it here. Myriad unkind utterances against the opposition and anyone who hasn’t shown the requisite fealty. A special hostile place towards intelligent women who don’t work for him or sleep with him. As for a desirable woman, there is cat nomenclature to grab, although he shows no more knowledge of and affinity for felines than he has for canines. In that infamous 2005 Access Hollywood tape, he said of entertainment journalist Nancy O’Dell, “I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there.”
Our concern of course is for the dogs. When we think of canine beauty, we are not just thinking of those pampered pedigrees who make it to Best in Show competitions over the years. We are thinking of all canines. Such beautiful animals, soulful and smiling, whose owners know they are fortunate to look into their best friend eyes and find nothing but a lifetime of love and devotion.
On Truth Telling and Moral Virtue
"Lies like a dog." – 2016 on Ted Cruz
“Cheated on him like a dog & will do it again.” – 2012 on Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
The guy who lost popularized the term fake news and then proceeded to disseminate it daily. During his four years in office, the Washington Post compiled a list of 30,573 false or misleading claims he made, not including the Big Lie that he won in 2020.
He has no insight into the universal openness and integrity of the family dog. Dogs don’t lie and dogs don’t cheat (unless you include getting hold of a sibling’s unattended food). Dogs have no secret agendas. No need for world domination, just a quick and easy to ascertain role in the family, usually based on size, sometimes on seniority. They are honest and open about their needs. Food, love and playtime.
For the right audience, that guy will even pretend to like dogs. But don’t believe him. Your dog won’t.
On Death
“He died like a dog. He died like a coward.” - 2019 on the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
“Even if you’re sick as a dog and you say ‘darling I can’t make it…even if you vote and then pass away it’s worth it.” – 2024 on encouraging Iowans to make it to the polls
All dog owners know that the day they welcome their new pups into the house is a wonderful one. The day they say goodbye is a true tragedy, the downside of falling so hard for our canine companions. Dogs die more gracefully than most human beings, unburdened by regrets and anger. Dogs die the way they live. Loyal and loving to the last.
The guy who lost in 2020 cannot comprehend the grace of a dog’s life and the tragedy of a dog’s death.
Ivana, the first wife of the guy who lost, had a poodle named Chappy who would consistently bark at her husband, perhaps sensing his lack of kindness towards all creatures great and small. Ivana wrote in her 2017 memoir of her former husband's hostility towards dogs and couldn’t understand how he could not love a dog that acts like he's won the lottery for life just because he sees you walk through the door?
Ivana suffered a tragic and accidental fall down the grand, curving staircase of her Manhattan townhouse in 2022. Her former husband arranged to have her buried not far from the first tee at his namesake Bedminster, New Jersey golf course.
Kind of like a ……
You get the picture.
******
So just what will become of your beloved canines if the guy who lost in 2020 but thinks he won is elected in 2024? If you dog lovers, and you fans of Taylor and her two Miniature Pinschers Bug and Baby, don’t make your way to the polls in packs?
If you love this country, and you love your dog, please feel free to like and share with as many photos of your own precious little guy or gal as you wish. And most of all, vote in November with your nose and your bark, the way your favorite companion would if given the chance to do so.
PETER BRAV is the author of the quintessential dog memoir
ZAPPY I’M NOT. ZAPPY I'M NOT